Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in NB's LiveJournal:

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Monday, August 22nd, 2005
3:03 pm	I don't picture anyone else being able to understand what I am feeling right now.  Lindsey might understand, because it seems like she understood me before I even met her, other than that?  Possibly my brother, he knew where I was before I was there before. Where I am now is this place, that I've been scared of, and unable to accept, and now that I'm there, oh my god it feels like I have never been there before.  Lindsey has opened my heart up in record time, and I have let her in in record time, and I'm so happy.  School started today, I have new hobbies, and have really slowed down on one of my old hobbies.  The new hobbies are golf, and expanding my movie and music tastes, as if they were not big enough yet.  The golf just keeps getting better I can feel myself improving all the time when I'm out there.  What that means for me is that I'm employing strategy, which is something i've never really used in any part of my life.  The old hobbie is drinking.  As i've spent the last few weeks trying to drink less, I've realized just how into it I was for a while there.  As a result of drinking less I have lost weight, and my heartburn and my entire body have just felt so much better. I have often wondered what love was, where it was, what it meant to me.  I think I'm finding out what love might really mean.  There are so many more factors than lust, or shananigans.  Love is the thing that you feel when you're with the person that you want to be around, and if you feel it faster than someone else it doesn't mean you should be looked upon any differently, it means that love acts differently for everyone.  Love is like snowflakes there will never be two that are the same.  Right now I feel like I'm shoveling snowflakes that are all the same because I am so damn happy.  My past is my past, and whatever happened in my past, is going to have happened in my past, and isn't the focus of my future.  Finishing school, securing some kind of a future, being with the perfect woman, and knowing that I'm going to have a family and be happy are the things thare are majorly important to me right now, and that is not going change.  For the first time ever I feel like an adult.  It feels so good. (Comment on this)
12:49 pm	New Lease on Life I'm alive. Yeah, oooo. and so happy. I'm in a different place than I've ever been before. My goals are in line, my life is in line, my finances are in line, and my lovelife is most definitely in line. Update to anyone who cares, I did end up marrying, and have since been through most of a divorce. We very quickly began to find definitions for our constant fighting, and when it all became so obvious that we should not be together, we both agreed that this was the way to do it. So she is moving on, and I am moving on. In the meantime, I find myself just thrilled and happy, and in love, once again. I don't give a crud about anyone that might think that I can't be in loev so fast, or that I shouldn't be. I am me, you are you, I don't need any fancy learning to understand what love is. I have found a girl, that is incredible in every way, and makes me feel like I am incredible in every way. My future is so bright, I better wear shades. Current Mood: enthralled (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 19th, 2005
5:24 pm	Chief i am still alive. it feels good. are you? Current Mood: complacent (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 16th, 2003
1:02 am	oh me oh my why is it so hard to be yourself in this world everyone wants to be britney, and justin i'm me i'm not popular and i don't care i never have been does that make me a bad person i cannot imagine not having air conditioning right now. Oh my. heat waves and colin do not go well together. constant state of sweat and colin don't go together. no deftones news for a while, hope they are alive i would love to do a study. on those that listen to techno while studying and those that listen to classical. i support anything without words as studying companions, but i have found that a driving rhytym in the techno helps me kick it down a notch. does this make me a raver or a loser, or am I ok? it seems that president bush is on vacation, yet the world still sucks. if dairy queen was falling apart, i wouldn't get a vacation. lifestyles, of the rich and the famous, they're always complainin, always complaining... if money, is such a problem, then ... i don't know how it goes. president bush and the other top dog politicians live in such a different world than us. even clinton, who i hold in very high esteem, has money that i will never have. how is it that a country that was built for the people, by the people, is run for the rich people. the truth is, rich white men created the US, rich white men will always run it. all of the freudian bullshit about fallacy, is probably true. my eyes hurt i'll sleep for now? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 14th, 2003
2:32 am	the ever changing slicklizard where is she gone for days i wonder whats up but i can't ask no more phone long distance bill i hope she's ok i miss her i was upgraded to staff writer at the Granite Falls Advocate Tribune. I'm not really sure what that means, but I hope it means something good. I wish the paper had money flowing in like fish into a boat.. ahh.. or something, but they do not, so hiring me continues to be out of the question. I am working for free, but I am gaining a lot of experience. I am building a portfolio. I am even gaining some notoriety. I hope that people understand me when I thank them for criticism. Criticism helps me to do things better the next time. criticism and an empty glass i'll take my fill you pay the tab i'm ever changing and working hard but when i think right now i know i want your thoughts my life turns a circle without direction or without your criticism Current Mood: thankful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 13th, 2003
11:48 pm	forceful vengence.. or. mispelled words.. can't have those so i am here, tonight i wish i was there tonight with you or with somebody but i am by myself and i'll wake up cold and alone without somebody and when i go through the day i will wonder could i have had you should i have had you? i will write more later tonight i'm sure.. i had a lot of coffee! Current Mood: awake (Comment on this)
2:19 pm	The Division Bell is ringin who knows what to think anymore i need a lifejacket i'm drowning and i don't know where it is taking me Current Mood: apathetic (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 12th, 2003
2:00 am	neues leben finally. i am going to get a tattoo. it is going to be a shamrock, or similar celtic symbol, and the german words "neues leben" for "new life." that is how I will do it. the tattoo will sit and wait for me, as a reward for some successful endeavor, which I as yet have not decided. i'm going to go ahead and say screw off carlson craft. i'm going to stay here and work with my friends, live at home, and work on school. they already have brought me down their twice and treated me like assbang with a crappy letter two weeks later then promised, why go through that again. so now what. if i am to adopt "neues leben" as my motto and plan, then I will need to stick to it. that includes tomorrow working on the loan thing, and planning a true weight loss program that bears in mind both schedule and foods available. the loan thing is the biggest thing, and when that gets accomplished my life should be able to switch from crappy into smooth, at least for a while. i sure hope after i figure everything out my fiance will still be there waiting and prepared to plan our lives together. there are lots of times where i really don't deserve her, but she stays with me. i trust her more than anyone in the world and love her more than anyhting in the world. I will give her anything in the world, and if what she needs is me to become an adult, and i think that is what she needs, that is what I will work on. neues leben. new life. from now on there is no turning back. Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Monday, August 11th, 2003
4:06 pm	you don't have to leave the lights on i'm so used to being blind.... and now i am back at the crossroads. I thought i was putting these crossroads behind me and moving on with life as it was, but now there are opportunities in front of me once again. I am going to interview at Carlson Craft on Friday, for a third time. I don't know how they are deciding what they want from me. This time I will go full shirt, tie, and resume, and come with a confident air. Thats what I need right now, not a shakey dumbness. If I am offered the job then I have to make a decision, if i'm not offered the job, then why worry. Leaving, I Hate To See You Cry Grieving, I Hate To Say Goodbye Dust And Ash Forever, Yeah it is so hard to know what to do, and i hate being in this place. at the same time it is incredible to see there are actually options laying out in front of me. if i'm not in school this fall, then i will be working full time, and i will be writing part time, for myself. if you are reading this, and you are someone that i have teased repeatedly, thinking that it made me a better person, I'm starting to realize that it doesn't make me a better person. probably just a weaker person. you who i claim to be friends with, why do i deserve you as a friend, if all i do is rag on you and tag on you. then again, if you are my friend, and i am crossing a line, then you are the one that has to let me know. God Knows I'll See You, See You On The Other Side i was thinking about writing a thankyou note to everyone who has been there for me. it would say, thankyou. that would be it, because everyone that has been there for me knows when, how, and why they were there for me, as I feel the same about being there for someone else. this is not supposed to come off as a prayer, so don't cross yourself after you read it, just know that I thank anyone that has done anything to alter my life, good or bad, because that is the only way I can learn who I really am. Current Mood: bitchy (Comment on this)
Friday, August 8th, 2003
1:03 am	Pimputer my damn friggen computer is on the fritz. down all day. had to reload windows. now the darned friggen internet doesn't work on it. i am rather upset if you cannot tell. ohh. it will be all better soon. i have lost all of my files, all of the poems i wrote, all of the songs i have been penning.. gone, and i threw out the hard copies the other day. what do i do now? start anew. I think I am going to pick a topic, and write a lot about it for a while. then see what i think of it. therefore having a chance of putting together something longer. so stay tuned, i will post what i am working on, as i work on it. for now i will be outta town for the weekend, not sure if i'll have time to work on this homedogg at all, but i might. weekend with the fiance sounds good to me, i miss her a lot. for those about to rock! i salute you Current Mood: apathetic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 5th, 2003
12:37 am	yeah.. so my plans are planned now ahh.. i'm staying in granite falls this fall. attending SSU. hmm.. it is wierd to have official plans. mom and dad say i need to clean my room, do you think i should? so home this fall, i need a new wardrobe. i'm going to get a bunch of clothes that look cool but don't make me look like every single other person out here, i hate looking like everyone else.. but then again, looking like everyone else but knowing i am me on the inside is ok if that is what fits my finances. i'm listening to metallica tonight, sorry deftones. Metallica is probably the greatest rock band of all time, I hold them on the same level as Led, and the Doors, and The Who, and Queen, and a few other Gods of rock. woo Current Mood: weird (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 3rd, 2003
11:59 pm	it's classical "how cool are you? I remember" A long hellacious night comes to a bittersweet end. It was intoxicatingly busy at work tonight, I am thinking 100% Dairy Queen right now. I forgot how horrible Sunday nights are. It was sooooooooooooooooooo busy. I hope I live through it. A good weekend also is coming to an end. Lotsa fun was had, saw the Twins help Detroit snap a 16 game losing streak, and saw American Wedding. I was happy with American Wedding, and the seats for the game were incredible. What else is new for me? I got to see Tea and Krystal for the first time in ages. I really genuinely missed both of them, and had a lot of fun with them. The movie was way funny, even if I'm not married yet. If you are reading this right now, and you are suspecting the other night that I was suicidal, please don't think that, and if you think I think that kinda stuff is cool, also ignore it. I never have been suicidal. I have had a why question, why am I here, but never, "would the world be better without me." I know that is wrong. I know the world benefits from me just as I benefit from it. I am a local celebrity. For some reason me writing about my failure was a good reason to excite people. Is my entire life to this point a failure, except for my fiance? No.. i have a great family, and great friends, and have made something of what I could with my life, I never moved into a box under a bridge never expecting to work or live a real life again, I'm no where near that point. I want to try another poem. nutrition: facts on the package same as fat on the stomach serving for 3 priced for 1 God bless America the land of the bulge republicans and lyposuction is there a difference Current Mood: indifferent (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 2nd, 2003
3:16 pm	dissapointment with satine so i just spent a bunch of time downloading the milfhunter clips with satine in them. when they got on here, they were upside down. how dumb i am mad at her, and milfhunter! deftones rules i am going to get a deftones coat, or get my cartilage pierced. what should i select!!! hehe.. like i have money for either.. all of the fiends are on the block, i'm the new kid so we have been watching center stage this afternoon. i'm not really pleased with that, and moreso, rather upset. combine that with the failed Satine clips and you have an upset me on your hands. delmanaco = best cop ever.. hope his car is on fire i could float here forever, in this womb, we can't touch the floor in here, we're all anemic, in here, anemic in so slow i think those are the words. my poem from last night was just great. i question if it has any actual meaning or application to life. but then again, does anything? seriously, i spend all of my waking moments reading and listening to music and watching the boob tube, but what does any of that have to do with me. if i watch p diddy leading the making the band kids around, and then listen to deftones, while reading to emerson, do all three of those become a part of me? looks like i'm less than a quarter mile, i gotta call the ball so my poem for today is something like this: radiating the knob is stuck it's too hot let me out pressure cooker brake the shelter now the nob turns thankyou yeah.. not sure if that makes any sense to anyone that is not me! time to roll... like a donut Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
4:08 am	its 4 0 3.. dogg yo. four owe three in morning. alcohol has been consumed. i am way contemplative you wake up i am here i smile at you and you are gone someone just told me that linkin park is good rap metal. they may be good something, but i'm not so sure if there is such a thing as good rap metal. i burned the shizat outta my lip. oww! wanna fight? t center situation is ok, i win, they lose. basically Current Mood: exanimate (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, August 1st, 2003
12:26 am	how far have I come, and where to go next "And the rockets rain is keeping you wet in your deathbed" chino what is the worst that will happen to me? you think i will go to jail, or pay a fine. as i think more and more about it, the worst that is going to happen involves me no longer having a job at target center. we are squared away with the cops. so why worry so much. i know that i can make it through this. i don't need a rocket's rain in my deathbed, because I am not dead, I am very much alive, and will stay that way until fate interferes with my plans. if my plans lead me into a field, where i encounter clearchannel again, i will go with the flow. if they want to focus on the incident, then wallah, they will focus and i will try something else. why think so bleak, when there is nothing to be so bleak about. so now... i will go to bed soon, and i will know that tomorrow is a day of reckoning, but i will also know that my safety-net will always surround me, and I can do nothing to rid myself of my friends and family. this writing for the newspaper thing has taught me an incredible amount about myself. i like being a celebrity, having people comment on what i have written. i'm not a loseout, i'm doing what i can to learn the business on a small scale. learning what its like to get something accomplished on time, and accomplished well, is something that I can be proud of why not be proud? so i've done it and now i'm in question i gave it my all mistakes are bad decisions an accident i will recover i'd hate to think otherwise soon what has happened will become the stuff that i laugh about delmado my ass if i were a gopher rah rah i would say, "pride pride pride." they are hot. mind you, i am engaged and madly in love, to the hottest most amazing most beautiful woman on the earth. the cancellation fetish i can't get over, why is it so stuck in my head. what do i want to cancel. i would like to cancel friday night. i would like to cancel my call in the morning. i will give anyone that satisfaction. and to think one week ago i was interviewing for jobs that i could attain, and now, i have made such a stupid mistake to put that all in jeopardy? why this. why that. i'm happy enough now. to attempt to sleep. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 31st, 2003
11:28 pm	deftones "battle axe" application to real life borrowed from thedeftones.com BATTLE-AXE I want to sleep if you are awake Still making believe that you aren't at all crazy And if you don't believe I think you should You make me so proud! Still you love to think you have always been this way...but you're all wrong. And you only sleep when you've lost cause Well I still believe that the cause was always me. And if you don't believe I think you should You make so proud! Still you love to think you have always been this way Well I'd love to think you will someday feel the same And you love to think it will always...always... ...always... If you still believe it will always be this way...well you're all wrong. Yes you are, insane... is this where my lifee is now. who is chino talking to. maybe i am the insane one. i feel like i am in the biggest trouble of my life for something that I did not even do. big business, and complete assholes will ruin America, if they haven't already, and I don't want to be here when they do. what have I done to deserve to be in so much trouble. then again, what have i done to get myself so worked into a frenzy. i have been given the option to plead my case. maybe that is all that I need to do. the simple fact is that when they put me in a room, and try to be confrontational they will not believe my ease under pressure. all that my confidence can do for me now is help me in a high pressure situation. if things get hot, i'll put on my bathing suit and dive right in. there is no reason to fear something that I have not already seen. the best defense that i have lies in my character, my confidence, and my past. i have never really done anything wrong, and there is no reason to believe that I am going to do something wrong again. beyond what has happened last weekend, why would i do anything wrong, if it is going to make me feel like this, and live like this. i'm like a frog under a rock. i can't stand it."And if you don't believe I think you shouldYou make me so proud! Still you love to think you have always been this way...but you're all wrong." another part of my defense, i have not always been this way, and some of them know it, and some of them don't. they must know that. in closing.. another thankyou to chino... although you probably are living the rockstar life, well, all be it laid up with a groin pull.. the art that you make does and can mean something to someone every once in a while! Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
11:01 pm	whats the point What is the point of existance when I know I will never get the job I want, or live the life I want. My career is basically over now. there is no point in studying journalism, I will never work for horribly evil clearchannel again, and because of the stupid leadership in washington, sooner than later clearchannel will run everything. so when that happens, then I will not work anywhere? it is not fair. the mistakes i made, once in a lifetime, leave me out of a job for life, based on what, $100.00. $100.00 to a company like clearchannel is like a penny laying on the ground to me. life isn't fair, mistakes are not fair. i really really really don't want to be here right now. Current Mood: crappy (Comment on this)
1:14 pm	fruggin bay can someone please send me the answer? i need to need to need to need to find a job.. and i'm not i'm not i'm not finding one! i don't even know how to do it. I looked in the startribune and it bit me because it is so fluggin huge. i can't hang with the big boys who are looking for jobs. at least it's fall now, and i won't be dealing with a big load of graduate pricks rolling outta college trying to take the easy jobs because they are realizing that the economy sucking has led them to become mcdonalds managers instead of fortune 500 workers. I don't know what to do. I guess i can just go along, and hope something reaches up and bites me in the ass. that'd work. if a job bites you, slap it, and send it along to me. thats all i ask of you. Now this, Deftones choose Hexagram as their second single? Why not just not put another single out. Hexagram sounds a lot like Minerva (i like them both, don't get me wrong) and Minerva didn't sell the album, so why will Hexagram. I'm very much glad that the Deftones are not sell outs, making some radio friendly garbage just to sell albums, but an attempt at pleasing a wider audience could never hurt them. Oh, I don't know, they are doing their art, and I support it no matter what, and I wish them the best. Current Mood: bitchy (Comment on this)
11:26 am	morning i am not thrilled about being awake today. i wouldn't mind sleeping until tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. being out here in lonelyville without my fiance sucks, i hate it, and i can't deal with it much longer. i have no money, no friends out here, nothing to do, but work at dairy queen and wish that i wasn't so dumb to be on the edge of getting bombed outta school. what a life i have set up for myself and for my fiance. lucky us. no money, no life, no place to live.. wooo (2 Comments |Comment on this)
12:20 am	i wanna be a rock star i realize this more and more each day. i belong in front of people. i am a performer at heart, and i want to perform for you. performance is life. feedback from a crowd of people, showing them how to have a good time, and giving them something to think about. thats what rock and roll is all about. it's not about money, or cars, or million dollar tours, its about giving your art to those that want to listen. art. what is art? art is not the same for me as it is for you. art is whatever you want art to be. i could watch a semi truck drive past my window, hear the breaks screech to a halt, hear the horn, see a deer standing there, silent, lost, confused, and then, as if by some act of some higher being accept that it is out of place, and hobble back into the woods, all the while the semi truck driver sits shaking in his seat wondering what would have been if his brakes had not worked so well. so thats art to me.. but at the same time, seeing a band on a stage... and an eccentric singer screaming his sack off. thats art. watching rain run down the back of a windshield, hearing a cicada in the morning. art surrounds me, it surrounds us, and i love art. a novel idea has approached me this day. the chance of searching for a job in minneapolis. if I am to just be working in the fall, then why not set up shop in minneapolis and spend some time earning money and marrying my fiance. money and her is all that I need right now. I could still be around my friends. and is running away to somewhere else going to mean that I won't drink and party as much? those people live in every town and want to be my friend wherever I am. so what should i do.. and what can I do? for now I just read, because reading makes me think I have some kind of a strength in my life, like I actually do understand something. I still love art. Poem to fate doorbell. silence he drives away wonder? it's all a loss from here open this thing and only one reaction remains without fate would i have answered anyway? (Comment on this)